


words unspoken

by kaiohtic



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Best Friends, Love Letters, M/M, Romance, snail mail
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-12
Updated: 2017-01-12
Packaged: 2018-09-17 01:49:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9298895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaiohtic/pseuds/kaiohtic
Summary: sometimes it's easier to write letters than to speak up face to face.





	

**Author's Note:**

> written for sekaisquad's first secret santa event.

Haeundae in summer. The sun is shining, the sand beneath his feet feels soft and almost scorching hot, and there is a nice breeze coming from the sea. Hundreds and thousands of people are mingling at the beach – from groups of friends, to couples, to families. Everywhere he looks, Sehun finds smiling and laughing faces. He should be one of those gleeful people, too, enjoying the few weeks of summer vacation he has before his senior year of high school – known as the most exhausting and crucial of all years – starts but he’s busily running from one table to the other instead, serving ice cream and drinks and occasionally flirting with the ladies. He’s doing it only for the money though, because the girls are easy on him – a few nice words, a blinding smile, and all the females (especially the older college girls seem to like him) would be more generous, slipping another one or two thousand Won bills into his hand, along with a small note that contains their phone numbers.  
  
Sehun doesn’t like that job, as it requires him to be all sunshine and rainbows. His cheeks are hurting from the fake smile on his face, and he’s one of the few people at the beach who’s still wearing a shirt. For one, it’s part of his uniform, and two, since he has to spend longer times outside waiting tables, he needs all the protection from the sun that he can possibly get. Having a creamy white complexion that makes even females envy him might be nice in winter, but when summer draws near, the chance of getting sunburnt grows. So far, he has been lucky and spared, but that might be because he stays in the shades as much as possible and applies another layer of sunscreen every few hours.  
  
On second thought, Sehun doesn’t actually need this job. His parents ensured him they are well off, enough to pay college fees for Sehun as well, not for his older brother only, but when his uncle asked him if he wanted to help out during summer and earn some cash, Sehun had agreed immediately. Saving up a sum couldn’t hurt, after all, Sehun isn’t one hundred percent sure if he would be able to get a scholarship like his brother did, and he didn’t want to be a too great financial burden on his parents either.  
  
So here he is, hundreds of miles away from home, in Busan, to help out in his uncle’s restaurant and bar (though of course his uncle doesn’t let him get anywhere close to the liquor since he’s still a minor).  
  
“You’re popular with the customers,” his aunt says and smiles, and Sehun thinks that he was only asked because of his face – because he’s good-looking enough to be an ulzzang. He’s not necessarily the most efficient worker though he has gotten used to the job by now (he would like to think that he’s faster in serving foods and drinks than he was on his first day), but his skills as a waiter in terms of quality can still not measure up to the skills of a veteran like his aunt.  
  
  
  
  
  


  
✉

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
It would be more fun with Jongin around, he thinks later at night when he’s in bed, on the brink of falling asleep. He’s been too exhausted the first few days, unfamiliar with almost sixteen hours of physical labor, but it gets easier with every day. He’s not drifting off to sleep immediately once his head hits the pillows tonight.  
  
Jongin, he thinks. He hasn’t heard of his best friend for days, which is odd. They used to see each other every day, at school on weekdays, and at either the Kim’s or the Oh’s house on the weekends for gaming nights and movie marathons, occasionally to cram for midterms and finals, too. Their families often spend holidays together as well, so being apart from each other is new. He can’t even remember the last time he was unable to see Jongin. Was it first year of middle school?  
  
  
  
  
  


  
✉

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_Hi Sehun,_

_I hope you’re not mad! Apparently, our seniors weren’t joking when they said our electronic devices would be taken, so I had no chance to call you or skype with you. Not that I could skype, we don’t even have WiFi here. It sucks, but I guess the coaches have their reasons for being this strict._

_I’m just glad I didn’t forget to pack the note with your uncle’s address! This is gonna be a real pain in the ass, writing letters and cards and such, but it’s also kind of cool. Vintage is in now, right? lol_

_Anyways, the weather here is nice and training is going well. The coach says if I keep up with this I might get recruited and contracted for one of the big names later. I really do hope that FC Seoul will recruit me!!! >.< I just need to do well in the national high school soccer tournament. The coach said there will be people watching the later matches, so I need to perform well. Hopefully our team gets past the qualification rounds and into the finals!!!_

_How are you doing though? Any fun stories to tell? I would say I’m dying out of boredom but that’s not true. The first days were hard and I knocked out the moment I laid down in bed. My muscles were a bit sore, too :( It should get better though, so no worries! I’ll be able to write and send letters more quickly I think!_

_Hope to hear from you soon!!!_

_Jongin_

_P.S.: Please don’t be lazy and write back okay?!?_

  
  
  
  
  
  


  
✉

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Sehun is glad to finally hear from Jongin after a week. It's odd not to know about his friend's day when usually, he knows the details, mostly because they spend so many hours of a day together and they talk about the missing hours in between, too. There’s nothing he doesn’t know about Jongin, he thinks, and nothing that he’s hidden from Jongin either. And although he is tired from work, Sehun decides to reply right away. He might forget to do so if he doesn't work on it now. Apart from that, if he writes his letter today, he could send it tomorrow morning during lunch break. He gets an hour long break, which is enough time to grab some food and jog over to the post office and back. Jongin will be able to read his letter the next day or the day after, so their reply intervals will be shorter - they will be able to hear from each other more often during their six long weeks of vacation, though it can’t compare to messaging and texting of course.  
  
There is just one problem though – what to write? He's not used to write letters like this. The last time he wrote a letter – not counting formal letters – must have been during middle school when they were forced to write to a pen pal somewhere in the world. Was it China or Japan? They had to write it in English, too, which made it all the more difficult.  
  
After starting with three or four different drafts, Sehun gives up. He decides to write down whatever comes to his mind, making it no different from his usual late night conversations with Jongin. They're best friends after all, so Jongin won't laugh at him, even if he comes up with the most hilarious and random thoughts.  
  
  
  
  
  


  
✉

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_Hey there,_

_I honestly thought you died or maybe a bear ate you since you're somewhere in the forests??? I have no idea why your coach would think some place faaaaaaaaaaaaar away from civilization would be good training for you, as well as taking away your means of communication. Did he really though? Like... not even phones? What if there are emergencies? Can't you like... trick him and get your phone back? Don’t you get like thirty minutes to call family and friends a day?_

_As you know, my uncle asked me to help out in his restaurant so I'm waiting tables by the sea side. The sea breeze makes working under the sun more pleasant, but I still avoid staying outside for too long. Sun burns are nothing to joke with, we found that out together years ago, right?_

_Work is actually still hell. I have to run around all day carrying foods and drinks. The only good thing about this is the generous pay, mostly because the girls tip me well (flirting helps a lot!!! Though sadly I don't have the time to go out with any of them). My uncle is kinda stingy with the wage although I'm the one who brings in the customers because of my pretty face. Even my aunt admitted that!_

_But hey, one week is over, so there's only five more weeks to go. We'll see each other soon enough? Work hard towards your goal, Nini! I'll cheer you on from the sidelines!_

_Sehun_

_P.S.: I wasn't lazy, see? I wrote this the same day I received your letter! :P_

  
  
  
  
  
  


  
✉

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
If Sehun is honest, he is a bit worried. It's the first time for him to send Jongin a letter. It shouldn't be too different from sending Jongin texts, right? Of course it is. It is a lot different. He doesn't get to see Jongin's reply immediately, so he doesn't know Jongin's reaction. He has to wait _days_ until he can find out. Apart from that, his silliness and stupidity will be there, black on white, saved for the generations after if Jongin decides to keep and treasure them – which is a nice thought and gesture, but also horrifying if he’s keeping the letter only to taunt him for his horrible spelling or stupidly cheesy lines later.  
  
It's days full of anticipation, as well as trepidation, as he awaits a response. What if he _did_ sound stupid? It's not like he can erase it and make it undone. Jongin will have the proof, black ink on white, while Sehun doesn't quite remember what exactly it is that he wrote down. Did he spell check? He thinks he forgot, too tired that night.  
  
While he is at work during day, Sehun forgets about the letter momentarily. There is no free minute for him. The restaurant is always rather full, girls lining up for a cup of ice cream or a glass of lemonade, just to have a chat with the young waiter.  
  
At night is when he remembers Jongin's letter and the fact that he's sent a reply that hasn't been proofread although it had been written in one go. While for normal conversation it is okay to jump from one topic to another, he wonders how coherent that would be once written down. How coherent is he actually, when he speaks? Maybe he's always sounded dumb to Jongin, and Jongin telling him he's dumb wasn't jokingly said but actually full-heartedly meant?  
  
It's been three nights and four days since Sehun has sent off his letter, and yet, Jongin has to reply. He hasn't received a word yet and wonders if maybe he had been too eager. What if Jongin doesn't feel the same? What if Jongin isn't that interested in his thoughts? What if Jongin doesn't think he's worth the effort to write a letter immediately after receiving a response?  
  
It hurts Sehun's pride to imagine that Jongin might think that way, and he feels bad, too, for doubting their strong bond. But that would be the only solution, right? It doesn't take that long for a letter sent from Busan to arrive somewhere in Gyeonggi-do, two days at most. Unless... Unless the envelope got lost on the way, which is, in Sehun's eyes, almost impossible. Their mail service is fast and reliable after all. Though if he must choose between doubting Jongin's feelings and Korean Mail, then it surely would be the latter. Jongin is his best friend, and he is Jongin's best friend, that he is sure of. So should he write another letter and resend it? Probably.  
  
  
  
  
  


  
✉

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
He waits. After sending a second letter in which he tells Jongin he sent one earlier, but maybe it got eaten by the mail sorting machines in the mail center it went through, there is still no reply after another three days. And now he is worried for real. There is another possibility he hasn't thought about before, and that might be an accident happening to Jongin that has therefore rendered him unable to reply (though in that case wouldn't Jongin's parents tell his parent and the news would be given on to him?), or maybe Jongin is too exhausted from all the practice to think about replying. Jongin said so in his first letter, right? That he was too tired to contact him the first few days, and maybe that exhaustion came back and multiplied. Whatever it is though, Sehun is getting more and more impatient and anxious as time passes without news from his best friend.  
  
  
  
  
  


  
✉

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Sehun swears he didn't count the days until he received Jongin's reply and he refuses to believe that it took Jongin exactly two weeks to have his letter put in his uncle's mailbox - Sehun is living at his uncle's place for the time being which explains his lover than average wage. His uncle deducts some money for water, electricity and food from it.  
  
"What took him so long," Sehun grumbles that night when he opens the letter, but every word he reads brings a new tide of relief that washes through him, each one more intense than the other, so much he has to rub at the corners of his eyes, erasing any trace of moisture. He has completely forgotten his initial fury.  
  
  
  
  
  


  
✉

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_Hi Sehun,_

_Sorry for the late reply. I got both your letters and I hope you didn't have to send a third one! I had no time to go to the post office in between since our room got punished. Taemin had sneaked in his PSP and got caught and the coach didn't believe us when we said we didn't know, thinking we were all covering him and then trying to save our own asses, so yeah... he made us work in the kitchen and doing the laundry (laundry stinks!!! :((( I'm honestly thankful my mom endures touching my sweaty sports clothes) and then he made us run extra laps as well. For one whole week!! A WEEK!!! We all died, and trust me, we'll continue to give Taemin hell for the rest of the year. You’re welcome to join us and give him hell as well ;D_

_Right now, I really wished I was with you instead, during all that time. Summer vacation sucks when you can't spend some quality time with your best buddies. It also sucks when you can't go to the beach and enjoy the water and the sun :(((_

_And I guess apart from that nothing really interesting happened. The punishment week is over now, so apart from replying as soon as possible, I’ll be resting. A lot. A very, very lot._

_I hope you're doing better than I am. It's half time now, so there's another 3 weeks until training camp ends. Another 3 weeks until our senior year starts. And most importantly, another 3 weeks until we're both back in Seoul and able to hang out together._

_Jongin_

_P.S.: Yeah yeah. I'm proud of you._

  
  
  
  
  
  


  
✉

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Sehun is just glad that Jongin has received his letter, and no different from last time, he sits down right away to compose his reply. As he is in the midst of writing though, he halts in his motion, grimacing at the fat dot of ink on the paper. He puts down the pen and sighs.  
  
He knows it's petty, but after waiting so long, he doesn't want to be the stupid one to always reply timely. He doesn't want to seem more eager than the other, knowing that his pride will be hurt if he was over-eager while Jongin isn’t. Tomorrow is as good as today, Sehun tells himself and goes to bed instead, leaving the letter to be written the next day.  
  
And indeed, he's writing his reply to Jongin the following day. He woke up earlier than usual, his gaze automatically drawn to the bedside table where Jongin's letter is resting, so he decided to write then. Doing so after a good night's sleep is probably better because he can think more clearly now. His words don't sound accusing and disappointed as they would do if he'd written it right away - at least that's what Sehun thinks.  
  
  
  
  
  


  
✉

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_Hi Jongin,_

_it sucks you were punished for someone else's crime. I'll definitely join in and punish Taemin with you once we're back at school. Though I think you don't really miss me since you're working so hard towards your dreams. The only reason why you'd want to be in Haeundae with me would be the possibility of a passionate summer romance with a beautiful bikini queen. There are so many pretty girls around though, it's hard to tell who's the prettiest here. You'd only date the prettiest of the prettiest, right?_

_Anyways, work is easier on me now since I'm used to it. I think I make a fine waiter, so I might try finding some part-time job to do on the weekends later during college. Extra money is always good, even if you don't have an immediate use for it. I guess I'll save it for when I move out. That is if my parents let me move out once we graduate (they’ll only agree if both of us move into an apartment together I think)._

_The weather is still nice here. Sun, sand, and the sea breeze... the definition of summer vacation! I really do pity you being on soccer training camp in the woods (and I still don't understand why you're practicing soccer there??? No one plays soccer on top of the mountains!!!). Did they pump you empty of blood yet? lol_

_Sehun_

  
  
  
  
  
  


  
✉

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
He's happy with the way he sounds on paper, hoping that his playful words will cheer Jongin up. Soccer camp must be harder than they both have expected despite Jongin being fit and showing a high rate of professionalism when it comes to training. Even without this kind of preparation Sehun is confident that Jongin will be able to snatch a contract with one of the better national soccer clubs. He believes in Jongin's talents as much as Jongin believes in his own ability to get into a good university, maybe not SNU or Yonsei, but as long as he gets into a university in Seoul, he'll be fine. He'll also be close to Jongin and his family then, he thinks, but that is only a secondary thought.  
  
  
  
  
  


  
✉

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Jongin's next reply comes within four days this time, a reasonable amount of time. Sehun is excited when he sees the envelope on his bedside table. His uncle or his aunt must have brought him the mail. The happiness soon changes though. As he reads through the letter, he starts to frown.  
  
  
  
  
  


  
✉

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
_Hi Sehun,_

_It's not THAT bad around here. I was prepared, so we have this spray that keeps mosquitoes away._

_And I told Taemin, so he'll most likely avoid you in the future, too lol. He can't escape our clutches here though, so we're having a fun time coercing him into doing our work - laundry and cleaning. He'll probably run away from us when we're at school???_

_About wanting to see you... I meant it. I mean, I do have someone I like already so if I come to visit you in Busan, it's not to woo some girl. There's a person I hold dear, so I hope that one day I can confess to them and hopefully it works out. Though I don't see it working out between us right now lol_

_Okay, that was really awkward to write down, but we're best friends, right? I hope you're not laughing when you're reading this. Okay, I can't believe I actually wrote this down hahaha._

_Jongin_

 

 

 

 

  
✉

 

 

 

 

 

Sehun is definitely not laughing. He's not too sure what he's feeling right now, but all he wants to do is crumple this sheet of paper in his hands and call Jongin, skyping with him, and demanding a talk face to face. Because this - feelings and all - is something that should be discussed in person. It's not because he's feeling restless, Sehun tells himself. He's not worried.

 

 

 

 

  
✉

 

 

 

 

 

This time it takes Sehun much longer to write. He has no idea how to respond. There is probably a dozen of crumpled sheets on the floor, drafted letters that will never be sent. He finds he sounds stupid in most of them. Too curious. Too concerned. Too _pushy_. And that is a thing he should not be because eventually, Jongin will tell him. They're best friends after all, and best friends don't keep secrets from each other, right?

 

 

 

 

  
✉

 

 

 

 

 

_Hey Jongin,_

_You never told me before! But whoever it is, I'll be rooting for you! You deserve a kind-hearted girl who will love you and support you with everything you do - and man, I can't believe I'm being sappy and writing all this, but you're my best man, Jongin. So yeah. Tell me more about her? Is it someone I know? Tell me how I can help you to win her heart? I promise I'll do whatever I can._

_I'm really damn curious now!!! Makes me forget everything exciting that happened here. Though who am I kidding, there's not much excitement here since I only work, eat and sleep. The fate of a man who's trying to save up money for college lol_

_Anyways, I hope you're doing well, both with your career and your upcoming (?) love life._

_Sehun_

 

 

 

 

  
✉

 

 

 

 

 

He doesn't sound like himself, he thinks. Jongin can probably tell that his cheerful tone is a forced one, that he's actually not as happy about the news as he should be. Best friends support each other, yet why does Sehun find that he cannot wholeheartedly support Jongin in this matter? Is it jealousy? The fear that maybe Jongin will end up no different than Donghae, spending less and less time with his group of friends, only because he has a lover now? Jongin would never leave him behind like that though, right? Jongin is not like Donghae. He's _not_.

Those thoughts keep repeating inside of his head. But the longer Sehun waits for a word from Jongin, the more he worries. And when he reads the next letter, he feels like his heart is shattering. Maybe it's best to talk to Jongin face to face, but as there is no chance to do so soon, he needs to continue communicating in this way. Though, does he really want to? What else is there to say, when Jongin's only going on and on and on about that magnificent person that he's in love with, someone so great, so wonderful Sehun could never compare to?

He is worried, although he shouldn’t be. A lover cannot take away his spot as Jongin's best friend, right? But a lover can take away his spot as the most important person in Jongin’s life, a little voice whispers in his head.

 

 

 

 

  
✉

 

 

 

 

 

  
_Hey Hun,_

_I don't know, to be honest. It's kind of scary thinking about some progress in my love life because... well, I have no idea how they will react. They're an important friend, someone I am kind of close with? And I don't know what they feel about me. If they don't feel_ more _then I might ruin our friendship with a confession. It's eating at me, because I do daydream about what it would be like if we were dating for real. I keep thinking about_ what if _. What if they actually do care about me the same way I care for them?_

_It's hard to tell though. Because the way we are, we're definitely close. We're friends who support each other as best as possible. We always stay in contact as much as possible, too. And there's a lot of things we tell each other that we might not even tell our parents. They know an awful lot about me and I know an awful lot about them, but this... if they like me in that way or not, that I don't know, and I'm scared to find out._

_They're a great person, and definitely someone you'd call a great catch. I wonder if people would approve of us because maybe I don't deserve them? They're beautiful, with the prettiest smile in the world. I wish you could see the way they smile, eyes crinkled and looking like they're disappearing, but the lips stretched wide. It's the cutest thing in the world, and somehow I keep wondering if I will be able to make them smile for the rest of our lives. I really don't deserve them if I can't, but there will be so many problems we will have to face and I really don't know. I don't know, Sehun, and I wish you could tell me what to do. If only you knew..._

_It's so odd to tell you all of this, but I think in the end I'm glad you're listening to me. It's good I can get bits and parts off my chest, though I will not burden you with all the details. I'd die of embarrassment if you knew all about this, I guess, so I'll just stop here._

_I can't wait to see you again at the beginning of the new school year. It's just another two weeks, but two weeks seem so long when there's so many things to say and to ask. I wish we could talk right now, like every other day._

_Jongin_  


 

 

 

 

  
✉

 

 

 

 

 

He reads over the words, again and again, trying to figure out how to respond, and in the end, he goes with the standard words that would come from a best friend in every movie, anime and drama he’s ever seen – words that are positive and supportive.

 

 

 

 

  
✉

 

 

 

 

 

_Hi Jongin,_

_that's great to hear! You're head over heels, so I, too, will hope and pray for everything to go fine for you. I want to support you with this, so don't hesitate to ask me for help. And even if I can't help you, I can still lend you an ear so you can get everything off your chest when it gets too frustrating, right?_

_I wish for summer holidays to end soon, too. Being hundreds of kilometers away doesn't help much in this situation since I can't give you the proper cheering up - I can't possibly make Mama Oh's special hot chocolate cup and send it over to you like this, right? (Would you want hot chocolate in summer though?) And I can't hug you and tell you everything will be fine either. For now, I'll just send you imaginary hugs. The real ones you'll get later when we're both back in Seoul._

_Sehun_

 

 

 

 

  
✉

 

 

 

 

 

It's tiring. Adding on to the physical exhaustion, there is also the stress that adds on to it. Sehun is worried about what is becoming of his friendship with Jongin in case Jongin does confess to the girl and the girl agrees to date him. Not hearing from his best friend anymore only feeds his anxiety, although Jongin can’t contact the girl and actually confess at the moment either. That would have to wait until he’s back in Seoul – which is a few days earlier than Sehun is.

 

 

 

 

  
✉

 

 

 

 

 

On the last few days spent in Busan, Sehun tries to contact Jongin on his phone, knowing that the other should be back from camp, yet he can't reach the other. Jongin's phone must be turned off around the clock now, otherwise Sehun can't explain the lack of a reply. If he doesn't answer calls, at least Jongin should be reacting to his texts, right?

He conjures up different scenarios in his mind. The worst thing that could happen would be Jongin being in difficulties right now, unable to answer his phone, but that Sehun deems unlikely. What could have happened very well though, is Jongin confessing to the person he likes and the girl saying yes - who wouldn't agree to date the humble rising star of the Korean national soccer team that is Kim Jongin? And the same girl, Jongin's girlfriend, is probably occupying Jongin around the clock, unwilling to spend time apart when school is about to start. After all, there is not much time Jongin will be able to spare during the school year that is filled with studies, training, and soccer matches.

The more Sehun thinks about it, the more upset he gets. Will Jongin really forget about his best friend once there is another person in his life that he deems more important? Is love really more important than friendship?

He reads the letter over and over again, the last one he’s received, and the more he does so, the more he is hurting. He doesn’t understand the tears that slide down his cheeks, but he knows not to ignore them. Crying is a way to release all the pent up stress, worries and anger, but why isn’t he feeling better? He only feels more miserable when he comes to the realization that he won’t ever feel better. It’s jealousy that’s eating at him right now, jealousy at the knowledge that Jongin’s heart has already been captured by someone else. It’s his wounded heart that drives him to tears every night without a fail because he’s fallen in love with Jongin without realizing it until it’s too late.

And then another thought comes to his mind. That maybe it’s better not to face Jongin for a while. He should sort out his feelings and get over his best friend as much as possible first, before seeing Jongin again. There’s another few days until he returns home, and until then he needs to be in full control of his feelings again.

 

 

 

 

  
✉

 

 

 

 

 

Sehun is lying on his bed. It's the last Saturday of vacation. There's only another day left until his senior year starts and he just arrived home an hour ago. It's early evening, not time to eat dinner yet.

He's browsing through his social networking channels, liking pictures here and there on instagram, but that doesn't help distracting him from unwanted thoughts. He had planned to get a grip of his feelings, but they're just as wild and free as ever. He's devastated of the thought of Soojung and Jongin together. Yes, Soojung. She's the only one who fits Jongin's description of the love of his life, and most importantly, she is _close_ to Jongin. It's not impossible for them to fall in love, and if Sehun remembers correctly, he thinks he's heard Jinri mentioning something of that sort. Like, if there's anyone she'd date, then it would be Jongin and if there's anyone Soojung would date, it would be Jongin, too. Apparently, all the guys in their class suck - at least, they'd suck being boyfriends. Being bros doesn't require the sensibility and the attentiveness that are crucial boyfriend qualities - qualities that only Jongin possesses, according to majority of the girls. Sehun had only snorted back then, but now he understands. Jongin is an attentive person, and he is sensitive, easily reading another's mood. It's what makes Jongin a great person to hang out with and to share worries and thoughts with, even the silliest ones one wouldn't even tell their parents.

And it's because Sehun can see Jongin the same way that Jinri and Soojung are seeing him that he's sure that once Jongin confesses, he'll be successful. He must be with Soojung now, he thinks, and there's no way that Jongin and Soojung would be missing a group gathering despite dating. They're the types of people who are easy-going, the types of people who don't need to spend quality time with their significant other only. Okay, maybe Sehun did think otherwise before, but when he asked if Soojung and Jongin were around earlier, when Chanyeol asked him to hang out with the guys, he was kindly informed that both of his closest friends - Chanyeol, Taemin, and Jinri aside - were there as well. Obviously, Chanyeol must have assumed that Sehun would be ditching the group if they weren't, but this time it was the other way round. Sehun decided not to go so he wouldn't have to witness Jongin and Soojung being lovey dovey.

Though, a walk by the Han River would probably do him well. Being in his own four walls, he is being reminded of Jongin everywhere he looks. There are pictures of them framed and hanging on the walls, as well as one on his desk. There are magazines, DVDs and video games that Jongin has brought, strewn all over the place. There are even clothes that might belong to Jongin all over the place, too. They're practically living with each other in both Sehun and Jongin's rooms, so there's stuff from the other in his room, and he's sure that he's lost - or left - a lot of his own possessions at Jongin's place as well.

"How am I ever going to get over Jongin?" He mumbles to himself and sighs. It's time to clean up and sort out everything, returning Jongin's things to Jongin. They might be best friends, but the way they shared all their possessions... they might as well be a married couple.

 _Stop_ , Sehun tells himself, alarmed at the thought. _That's not what you're supposed to be thinking now. It's a dangerous thought. Keep clear of thoughts like these_.

He gets up and starts to pick up all the items on the ground, not turning around when there's a knock at the door. He almost drops the DVD he is picking up when he hears that deep voice that surely can't be his mom, not even when she's caught a cold and groggy from sleeping too much.

"Tidying up, I see."

"Jongin," Sehun whispers and turns around. He tries to smile, but is unsure how it comes across. Did it look natural or did it look fake? Did it look awkward? It must have been weird, especially since he's not saying anything although there should be so much to tell. Maybe a resume of what has happened the past few weeks when they were apart or maybe the reason why he's standing in the middle of the room, staring at Jongin with wide eyes while his one hand is balled into a fist, the other clutching the DVD cover so hard he's surprised it's not cracking yet.

"Hello, Sehun," Jongin greets and Sehun nods. He doesn't miss the signs of nervosity from Jongin either - the constant pursing of his lips, the smile that doesn't reach his eyes, the foot that keeps tapping the floor.

Sehun closes his eyes for a second and takes a deep breath, reminding himself of his job as best friend, as Jongin's greatest supporter. He manages another smile, a more authentic one this time. At least, that's what he thinks.

"You seem nervous," Sehun says and copies Jongin, pursing his lips once. "Is it about the person you like?"

Jongin nods. Sehun doesn't know why he was holding his breath. After all, he had expected this. There's only two, no, three things that could shake Jongin up this much. One, it would be anything grave that has happened to his family. Two, it would be anything concerning their friendship. And three, it would be anything concerning the love of his life. Jongin is a romanticist, no different from his sisters (and here Sehun admits to having had a tiny little crush on one of Jongin's sisters before when he was a kid).

He takes another deep breath, again, with closed eyes. When he opens them, he's looking straight at Jongin who's staring anywhere but into his eyes.

"You don't have to be nervous, you know? We're best friends. Whatever it is, I'll be here to help. Though, I can pretty much guess who you were talking about. I'll help you, don't worry." The more brightly he tries to smile, the more his heart aches. He's not ready for this. He isn't. Why didn't he learn of his feelings for Jongin earlier? He would be used to them by now, if not over them already. Oh, wishful thinking.

Despite his reassurances, Jongin doesn't seem calmer. He's still shifting, the corner of his lips twitching as if there's something he wants to say but doesn't quite know how to say it. Or maybe, he's still debating if he should tell Sehun or not. If it's the latter, then Sehun feels hurt. They're best friends, the kinds of best friends that are so close it's impossible to be closer. They're soulmates he'd like to think, considering how many things they have in common and how often they're able to complete the other's sentences. There shouldn't be secrets kept between them, except for Sehun's feelings for Jongin that are more than they should be.

"Jongin..." Sehun says, voice so soft he's not sure if he has actually said it. That's when Jongin finally moves, offering a more honest smile, but he's still not the usual quiet and composed Jongin that Sehun knows.

"Sorry, I was... spacing out, I guess," Jongin offers, a bit sheepish.

Sehun nods and waits. In times like these, only patience helps. Jongin will decide for himself if he can tell Sehun and when he will tell Sehun, and hopefully, he decides that it's soon.

"Let's sit down," Sehun suggests, plopping down onto his bed and patting the spot beside him. Jongin doesn't follow, he stays there, standing by the door frame and hesitating.

"Sehun, there's something I need to tell you," Jongin finally speaks up. Sehun still keeps quiet, giving Jongin the chance to say everything in one go without being interrupted.

"It's about the person I like." Sehun nods. That much he has expected. And now he's dying to know what else Jongin is about to say, though at the same time he's dreading it. Jongin is about to crush his heart - unknowingly - and Sehun isn't sure if he's prepared for that.

"You know," Jongin starts again, pausing his sentence, and Sehun thinks he might throw up from all the anxiety. He's about to tell Jongin to shut up, that he's made up his mind, that he's unable to listen to Jongin anymore when Jongin holds up a crumpled letter. He must have hold the paper in his hand all the time, unconsciously clamping his hand into a fist.

"What is this?" He asks, a bit distracted, though he feels a pit in his stomach that is hard to ignore.

"A letter. It's really difficult to say it, so I wanted to send you this letter before, but then... I was worried. I decided to give it to you, though. You deserve to read it," Jongin mumbles, voice quiet, but his words surprisingly straightforward and clear.

Sehun takes the letter and opens the envelope, carefully pulling the sheet of paper out of it. Unfolding the letter, he starts to read.

 

 

 

 

  
✉

 

 

 

 

 

_Sehun,_

_as best friends, we've sworn to always tell each other everything, never keeping secrets. But sometimes, it's easier to live with the weight of a secret on your heart, than to open up and put the secret out in the open. Some secrets make you vulnerable, and this, this is the one and only secret that has the potential to crush me whole, no exaggeration._

_It might come as a surprise to you, but really, it shouldn't. I told you before, the person I love is someone close to me, someone so wonderful I wish you could see them smile and the way they move, I wish you could see them the way I see them. Literally. But you won't be able to, never. Because that person, it's you. How are you supposed to see yourself? You can't, not from all angles, and even if, it's not authentic because it's either a reflection or a picture, but not the real thing._

_I've always liked you Sehun, loved you like a brother, a sibling, but at some point, it grew into more. I can't explain why - no, wait, I could explain it, but your modesty would not accept me telling you that you're the most amazing and most beautiful person the world has ever seen._

_I liked you, Sehun. And now I love you. You're the one I'm in love with, and hopefully, it will change nothing about the way you see me or the way you treat me, because love doesn't have to go both ways. Just platonic love is enough for me, so please, don't take away that. That's all I ask from you._

_Yours,  
Jongin_

 

 

 

 

  
✉

 

 

 

 

 

While he's reading, Sehun's eyes are filling with tears. He blinks, blink, and blinks, trying to get rid of them, but the moisture is there, and the tears are still threatening to leak. He looks up to Jongin when he deems it safe, seeing the other fiddling with the hem of his shirt. Their eyes meet for a short second before Jongin looks away, breaking eye contact first.

"Not what you expected, huh?" Jongin chuckles, with a heaviness in his voice that's never been there before. It's the kind of voice one would expect to find someone using at the sight of a tragedy, and Sehun's heart hurts when he hears it. Jongin must be in pain, he realizes only now, though not fully understanding why.

"Definitely not," Sehun agrees and tries to laugh, to be positive, but it comes out choked.

"I'm sorry, I'm not-" Jongin starts, eyes looking anywhere but at Sehun, and for a moment he doubts the other's sincerity. He's not what? Not in love? Was it all a joke? Is he taking back the words written so clearly, in a handwriting that couldn't be any neater. Jongin must have spent hours to compose this, probably copying it again and again until the writing is pretty enough to be a confession letter, and yet, he's taking it back now? Sehun's head is hurting, and so is his heart.

“I’m not asking you to be my boyfriend," Jongin completes his sentence and Sehun breathes out, wondering if he's imagining this or not. It could all be an illusion, created by his wild imagination that's conjuring up the possibility of Jongin liking him back.

"I just… needed to tell you. I _wanted_ to tell you. And I know it’s selfish, but I hope we’re still best friends. I understand if it’s too awkward for you and you don’t want to be friends anymore-”

A dam must have broken - that's the kind of metaphor one would use in this situation, right? - because Sehun is _crying_. He can't stop the tears, nor can he stop those pitiful sounds coming from his own mouth, no matter how much he forces his lips to press together and to muffle them. He's full on crying and Jongin... Jongin is staring at him with wide eyes, scared, panicked.

"I'm sorry, Sehun, so sorry," Jongin whispers, voice hoarse and eyes moistening, his hands reaching out, but pulling back again as if he doesn't dare to touch. Sehun hates himself right now. He should say something, tell Jongin that it's fine, that he's just so relieved. That he is surprised, and most of all, he's _happy_.

"Jongin," he croaks out, a quiet sob following, and Jongin starts sobbing, too, but he's pulling Sehun into a warm, familiar hug. It's not the first time they were crying in each other's arms. Sehun now remembers the countless times they did so as children, and less frequently in their early teenage years. He's almost forgotten how nice it is, how _freeing_ to cry together and let out all pent up worries and frustrations.

It feels like hours, but it's probably just a few minutes later that they're both calmed down. Sehun is hiccupping and it will most likely take another while for him to stop, but he breathes out the words he was supposed to say in response, right after Jongin confessed to him, in written words and vocally.

“I like you, too,” he whispers. "I love you."

 

 

 

 

  
✉

 

 

 

 

 

The same night, Jongin stays over at Sehun's place. It's no different from usual, except they're now boyfriends - maybe? - and their eyes are red and swollen from crying, but if Sehun's parents noticed it, they didn't mention it, most likely assuming that they fought and made up, or that they were crying at their reunion. After all, and that Sehun remembers now, too, Sehun and Jongin had always been the crybabies, shedding more tears than Jongin's sisters ever did.

"So... when did you realize that you like me?" Jongin asks all of a sudden and bumps his shoulder against Sehun's. They're sitting in bed, watching a movie, but it's difficult to focus on whatever is happening on the screen when Jongin is so close, warm breath tickling the sensitive skin around his neck.

"Uhm," Sehun hums, not wanting to admit that he's only been thinking that way about his best friend for two weeks at most. "Not long...?"

"Not long?" Jongin probes.

"Uh-huh."

"And that means...?"

"Perhaps... two weeks?" Jongin's persistence had always won, and this time it's no different.

"Only two weeks?" Jongin asks, clearly disappointed, and Sehun hates himself for the following words because he's never expected to be so sugary sweet towards Jongin who had been his bro since forever.

"I must have loved you right from the beginning though, and I must be stupid for only seeing that now. I’m glad that I opened my eyes at the right time."


End file.
